The Christian Family

By Larry Christenson

Copyright 1970-Out of Print

Bethany Fellowship, Inc.

This is a scanned copy and therefore not reliable.

Used copies may be available on the internet.

CONTENTS

PART ONE: God's Order for the Family

CHAPTER ONE: God's Order for Mates . .. . .. 19

CHAPTER TWO: God's Order for Wives . . .. . 32

CHAPTER THREE: God's Order for Children . 55

CHAPTER FOUR: God's Order for Parents . . . 63

CHAPTER FIVE: God's Order for Husbands . 126

PART TWO: Practicing the Presence of Jesus

CHAPTER SIX: Jesus, the Family's Savior and Lord .149

CHAPTER SEVEN: The Priesthood of Parents . . …..157

CHAPTER EIGHT: Our Family, a Witness for Jesus..198

Introduction

The choice of a title for this book is deliberately dull. It has no flash or zing. It is 'solid,' 'respectable,' perhaps a trifle boring. It is quietly unpretending. It merely designates those for whom the book is written (Christians) and the subject of inquiry (the family).

Perhaps something spectacular would attract more readers. Like:

"Your Key to a Successful Marriage"

"The Thrilling Adventure of Family Life"

"The Secret Power of a Well Ordered Family" "Family Life Can Be a Joy"

"New Hope for Beleaguered Parents"

But we are not interested in attracting the casual reader. Someone who wants a book with simple prescriptions for temporary relief of the symptoms of a sick home should not waste his time on this book. He will only become frustrated.

Unless you are prepared to re‑examine some of your most basic habits and beliefs about family life, don't bother yourself with this book. It cuts too deep. You will never finish it, much less put it into practice.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, sitting in a Nazi prison cell, once wrote a wedding sermon for a niece who was about to be married. In it he said, "Marriage is more than your love for each other. It has a higher dignity and power, for it is God's holy ordinance, through which he wills to perpetuate the human race till the end of time. In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to

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his glory, and calls into his kingdom. In your love you see only the heaven of your happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal‑it is a status, an office."

In Christianity marriage achieves a sanctity and significance which was not known in ancient times. The forgotten dignity of woman was brought to light, and its value acknowledged. Neither the Roman nor even the Mosaic law accorded the wife rights which were equally great and sacred with those of the man. In Christianity the wife, as well as the husband, has claim to be the perfect fidelity of the mate. The wife ceases to be merely the helper of her husband in this present life, but is a fellow heir with him of eternal life (I Peter 3:7).

And yet more than all this. The highest love of God to man was shown in the sacrifice of Christ. Through that sacrifice the Church came into existence. Between the Church and Christ there exists a bond of love more holy, tender, and firm than any which ever existed between God and man. In Christianity there is set before man and wife the task of representing upon earth the image of this union between Christ and His Church‑an image of self‑sacrifice, devotion, fidelity. In ancient times marriage at its best had been a moral relationship. In Christian marriage we see something higher still‑a mystery (Ephesians 5:32).

The Neoplatonic philosophers looked on marriage with gloomy severity‑it was a contradiction to the spiritual nature of man. The most rigid sect of Jesus' day‑the Essenes‑saw marriage as a hindrance to preparation for the kingdom of heaven. But the Christian family is formed to be the very image of the future kingdom of God, in which the will of the Lord shall be done on earth as it is done in heaven. It is not only a school for heaven; in a certain sense it is the anticipated kingdom of God itself.*

In the Christian family, on a small scale, should be

Introduction / 11

seen the wisdom and gentleness of command, the willingness of obedience, the unity and firmness of mutual confidence which will characterize the perfected kingdom of God. In an exact sense, this can be said only of the Christian Church; the Church is above the family. Yet there is no building up of the Church without the building up of family life. In Christian families men should joyfully acknowledge the blessing which God pours out through the Church. In Christian families, on the other hand, should the strength of the Church consist. The order and development which St. Paul follows in Ephesians is no accident. He begins with the loftiest counsel concerning God and the Church which we find anywhere in the New Testament. He then proceeds to the ordering of family life, for it is in the family life of Christians that the increase of the Church, and its approach to perfection, must be found.

The Christian family, therefore, does not exist for its own benefit. It is created to bring glory and honor to God. The blessing of man is a derivative, a byproduct. Those who stubbornly hold that their own happiness and convenience are the highest goals of family life will never understand God's plan for marriage and the family, for they do not grasp the underlying structure, the basic starting point.

Most books on family life start with man, then try to include God as a helpful additive. A kind of celestial STP, guaranteed to pep up sluggish family life.

This book comes at it the other way around. The family belongs to God. He created it. He determined its inner structure. He appointed for it its purpose and goal. By divine permission, a man and a woman may cooperate with God's purpose and become a part of it. But the home they establish remains His establishment. "Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain" (Psalm 127:1). The children receive their status as members of the family by His act. "God sets the solitary in families" (Psalm 68:6).

Thus it is not our marriage, but His marriage; not our home, but His home; not our children, but His

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children; not our family, but His family. This might sound like pious rhetoric, but it works itself out in thoroughly down‑to‑earth fashion. If Jesus is truly Lord in your family, it will influence everything from the way you decorate your house to the way you spend your summer vacation.

So we are going to consider the Christian family without benefit of flashy title, with no promise that your life will be transformed inside of ten days, or your money back. Rather, we will look with some care at what the Creator of family life has said about it. We proceed on the assumption that the One who created families knows something about them, and can offer the soundest advice. If one holds to the opinion that marriage is a social contract between two individualsthat and nothing more‑he will not be interested in this book. But if you are willing to consider that marriage is more than this, that something mysterious and wonderful lies at the heart of it, that it is the creation of God, and achieves its highest potential and destiny within a structure which He has established, then you may find in these pages some things worth pondering.

The views presented in this book are based unashamedly on certain passages and principles written down in the Bible. We believe they are as true and valid today as when they were written‑which is something our age finds hard to accept. Elton Trueblood has said, "One of the reigning tenets of our time is the extreme belief that all our problems are new. I would call this the disease of contemporaneity . . . associated with it is a really terrible conceit . . . the notion that we are living in such a fresh time and that wisdom has `come with us' whereas nobody ever had it before‑this I find to be an absolutely intolerable conceit."

It is said that Erwin Rommel, the great German general of World War II, was an avid student of the battle tactics of Robert E. Lee. One man fought with horses, the other with tanks. One conducted his campaigns in the rolling plains and low mountains of eastern

Introduction 13

United States, the other in the desert sands of North Africa. Yet the principles of military strategy gave these two men a common base of agreement, though they were separated by time and cultural background. Conditions and situations may change, but basic principles‑if they are true‑have an enduring validity.

The principles expressed here have met the test of centuries. They have met the test in our own experience. A number of years ago a group of people from our church went on a "family retreat." The theme of our retreat was, "God's Order for Parents." Our only resource material was a seven‑page tract on the subject, and this in turn was little more than a summary of Bible verses on the subject. It proved to be more than enough! As a result of that retreat, a number of our families began to look seriously at the structure of family life. We found ourselves calling into question many of the attitudes and practices in our present‑day culture. Against the prevailing pattern of relativism and permissiveness, we began to see the biblical concept of order and authority. As the biblical principles were put into practice, we began to see a transformation take place in a number of families. In our own family, overnight, we experienced a dramatic change in the atmosphere of our home‑for reasons we will point out later on. This study and practice of the biblical principles for family living has continued, for it is a challenging and exciting venture, and there is always something further to be learned and experienced. We do not offer pat, closed‑end answers to the many‑faceted problems that face the family today. We merely share some of the basic principles which have quietly revolutionized our own families‑and invite you to `come along' in the adventure of discovering a new sense of direction, a new harmony and joy in your family life.

We have titled the book Christian Family Life. A Christian has been defined as "someone who lives together with Jesus Christ." This is not a theological definition, but a personal one: it does not describe a Christian in terms of abstract metaphysical principles.

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but in terms of his everyday experience. This is precisely the direction we want to go in our investigation of family life. So we could extend that definition and say that a Christian family is a family that lives together with Jesus Christ.

The secret of good family life is disarmingly simple:

Cultivate the family's relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is no phase of family life left outside this relationship. There is no problem a family might face which does not find its solution within the scope of this objective.

How does a family cultivate its relationship with Jesus Christ? After all, it isn't like having a guest move in the house . . . or is it? But we can't see and talk with Jesus, can't communicate with Him . . . or can we, if we take the time to learn how one may communicate with Him? This is the purpose of our book: to suggest some of the ways that a family may cultivate its relationship with Jesus Christ. For the basic fact of the Christian religion is simply this, that its Lord is ALIVE.

The business of cultivating your family's relationship with Jesus has two parts to it, basically:

The first part consists of establishing "Divine Order" in the home. This has to do with the relationship of order and authority between the various members in a family.

The second part consists of "Practicing the Presence of Jesus." This is the adventure of sensitizing ourselves to the invisible presence of .Jesus in the home developing our capacity for spiritual perception‑learning the practical ways in which we may intensify our awareness of His way and His will for our family.

Of these two parts, the second is the more important. It is only as we 'practice the presence of Jesus' that our homes become truly Christian. Yet, establishing 'Divine Order' has a certain functional priority, for it helps create an atmosphere where we are able to practice the presence of Jesus. When we establish Divine

Introduction / 15

Order in our home, it creates an atmosphere in which Jesus feels at home: the Holy Spirit is then able to do His work of teaching and leading us into the kind of family life for which God created us.

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PART ONE:

God's Order for the Family

"Divine Order" is an order of authority and responsibility which is spelled out in the Bible:

"The head of every man is Christ, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God" (I Corinthians 11:3). "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord" (Colossians 3: 20).

God has ordered the family according to the principle of 'headship.' Each member of the family lives under the authority of the 'head' whom God has appointed.

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The husband lives under the authority of Christ and is responsible to Christ for the leadership and care of the family. The wife lives under the authority of her husband, and is responsible to him for the way she orders the household and cares for the children. The children live under the authority of both parents. The authority over the children, however, remains essentially one. The dotted line indicates that the authority of the mother is a derived authority. She exercises authority over the children on behalf of and in the place of her husband. This has great practical significance for relationship between mother and children, which we will bring out in a following chapter.

Thus God has structured the family along clear‑cut lines of authority and responsibility. It is important to recognize this structure at the outset, for it is so little understood in our day, still less practiced. Yet God has made the well‑being and happiness of the family absolutely dependent upon the observance of His divinely appointed order.

Any change from that which His will has ordered only brings forth a misshapen form, for which there is no cure except a return to God's original order.*

CHAPTER ONE

God's Order for Mates

God's order for mates is nowhere more clearly and simply stated than in the Bible's very first commentary upon the man‑woman relationship: "Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). To "cleave to one's mate" takes in every aspect of the relationship between husband and wife. There is no problem which can arise between mates, the solution for which will not be found in a deeper grasp of what it means to cleave to one another, to become `one flesh' with one's mate.

God made us male and female as a part of His basic creation. It is part of the innermost expression of God Himself. When He created mankind in His own image, He didn't just create man. There was something missing. So God said, "I will make a helper fit for him" (Genesis 2:18). He created woman. Now He had the whole thing. Man and woman came together in marriage, manifesting God's ideal of completeness.

It is God's intention, as a general rule, that man shall find a mate. This is even borne out by statistics. There's about the same number of men and women born in the world. After a war, when the male population is depleted, an amazing thing happens: in the next generation, there will be bumper crop of male babies. This happened in Europe right after the war. Within one generation, the population was restored to balance again.

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The Role of Sex

"For best results, follow instructions of maker." So advised a brochure accompanying a jar of common cold remedy. If such advice is good for the relief of a simple physical ailment, how much more it is needed for the relief of sick marriage relationships! Movies, television, novels, magazines, and billboards constantly bombard us with wrong ideas about sex. Sex is not an invention of 20th century Hollywood. It is a creation of the eternal, holy God, who also gave us definite instructions for its right expression in the relationship of marriage. Sexual union in marriage is a wonderful mystery of God. It occupies a relatively small space in the marriage. Even with young and newly married couples, the sheer amount of time spent in sexual activity is relatively small. Yet without that union the marriage is no marriage. It is like the sparkplug of a car: small but essential; it sets the whole mechanism in motion.

We say that sexual union is a mystery, because no rational explanation can fully account for its powerful and pervasive influence in a marriage‑indeed, in life itself. While it is primarily a physical act, it draws much more than mere physical sensation into orbit around it. While its primary purpose is procreation, this is not usually its immediate objective; indeed this result may actually be undesired, without diminishing the desire for union. It so merges and unites two human beings that the Bible speaks of them as 'one flesh,.' yet no other human act so accentuates one's own identity and self awareness, at such an elemental level. It is a deep and fundamental giving of oneself, a yielding of the procreative powers to another. Yet the more successful the relationship, the greater degree of self‑pleasure obtained by both partners.

Christians tend to fall into two basic errors in their attitude toward sex. The one error is to regard it as a kind of necessary evil. This grows out of the old Greek idea that the body is essentially evil, and the way to

God 's Order for ''Mates / 21

be truly `spiritual' is to subdue and suppress the body as much as possible.

This idea is not altogether absent from the New Testament. In writing to the Corinthians, Paul makes a strong case for celibacy, then concedes, "If they cannot exercise self‑control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion" ( I Corinthians 7:9). As is true with many wrong ideas, there is undoubtedly an element of truth in the belief that evil has a special link with the body.

It is well to recognize the powerful potential for misuse which lies resident in our sexual appetites. In plain truth, our bodies are easily aroused to lust. This tendency must be guarded against all life long. But this should not cast a shadow upon the sexual relationship between husband and wife. God created man and woman with the capacity for sexual pleasure, and means them to enjoy this in marriage.

This first error‑regarding sex as base, shameful, evil‑finds no spokesmen today. Not even the most conservative churchman would be caught holding a brief for Victorian prudery. Yet it needs to be mentioned, for it still holds a grip on the unconscious attitudes of some Christians. We can change a conscious attitude with relative ease. The unconscious tends to cling to old patterns with a stubborn will.

In reacting against this first error, Christians have tended to fall into a second, more subtle, error: This is the tendency to over‑ spiritualize sex.

Oh, we would never think of the hush‑hush, naughty naughty approach. No, no. We are far too enlightened for that. "Sex is beautiful." "Sex is wonderful." "Sex is a perfect blending of two personalities, an expression of love that takes in the whole range of man's being‑at once a physical, intellectual, and spiritual encounter." "Sex is an act of total self‑giving." "The sexual act is profoundly spiritual." "In the act of sex, a man and woman express the essential unity which overarches their separateness." All this may be more‑or‑less true. if one makes sex an object for intellectual dissection.

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But where is the husband who embraces his wife with high thoughts of "overcoming the separateness of their being in an act of overarching unity"? This is no man, but the invention of Christian apologists for sex, who imagine themselves commissioned to lift sex from the mundane level which it seems inevitably to occupy. Isn't there anybody around to say that sex is fun?

A woman once had the temerity to say this straight out while giving one of the inevitable "boy‑girl relationship" talks without which no teenage Bible camp can pronounce a benediction. Some of the adult eyebrows went up, as though a dangerous secret had been betrayed. But afterward one of the girls came up and said, "I really appreciated your saying that it was fun. They always say how wonderful it is, but I sort of had the idea that you weren't supposed to enjoy it too much, because it was too holy."

The philosophers of sex seem unable to accept the fact that physical and emotional pleasure is the dominant feature of the sexual relationship. That does not seem dignified enough. So by words they attempt to lift sex to what they feel is a higher plane, describing it in almost transcendental terms. This spiritualizing of sex, however, does not make sex more spiritual. If anything, it is an anemic throwback to pagan fertility rites, which assigned mystic significance to sex.

The Bible indulges in no such philosophizing over sex. The total marriage relationship is pointed to as symbolic of the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:32). But when the sexual relationship per se is in focus, it is treated very practically for what it is‑a physical act, with a strong emotional impetus.

It would be hard to find a more mundane handling of sex than the 7th chapter of I Corinthians: "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. Do not refuse one another . . . lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control." And this is the only chapter in the New Testa‑

God's Order for Mates 23

ment which offers specific advice on the sexual relationship in marriage!

Sex is one aspect of marriage. Like any other thing in the marriage, it should be done as well as possible, but it should not be allowed to color every other aspect of the marriage. By way of illustration: When the family sits down to dinner, the husband wants his wife to be a good cook. That's the service appropriate for that particular situation. When the children misbehave, the wife expects her husband to be an effective disciplinarian. If he is an ineffective disciplinarian, it does not make much sense for her to complain, "Yes, you like my apple pie well enough, but you won't take a hand with the children!" His appetite for her apple pie is perfectly good and genuine. That is not where the problem‑or the solution‑to his disciplining of the children lies. Yet the sex relationship is called upon to shoulder just such ridiculous responsibilities. "All you care about is sex. Why don't you turn off that TV once‑in‑a‑while so we can just talk?" Again, the fact that one finds pleasure in the sexual relationship is perfectly in order. The problem of not taking time for talk is another problem, and should be dealt with in its own sphere.

Husbands and wives should expect their sex relationship to be a fun time together. Yet, paradoxically, a key to this is the total acceptance of their sexual relationship as is‑even if it has some problems and disappointments. A good sex relationship may not come all of itself. It may take some time and some intelligent adjustment of attitudes.

One's response to the sexual relationship in marriage, like love itself, is far more subject to the will than we suppose. One does not have to wait for an ecstatic feeling. Even when one enters into the relationship out of duty, a happy relationship can grow and develop. Indeed, there are times in every marriage when one or the other partner enters into the sexual relationship more out of duty than passion. Such an approach to sex is not beneath the dignity either of the act itself or of the partners.

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A woman who had a happy sex relationship in her marriage was listening to some friends complain that "all their husbands wanted was sex." "What you need," she said, "is a little more of the Bohemian here‑l‑am‑goahead‑and‑use‑me attitude." This may sound like a pretty prosaic attitude toward sex, but it offers greater potential for happiness than the unrealistic attitude which leaves everything up to the feelings. It is, furthermore, thoroughly consistent with the biblical counsel which says, "The wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does" (I Corinthians 7:‑!). In plain language this means that if one partner desires the sexual relationship, the other should respond to that desire. The husband and wife who adopt this kind of down‑to‑earth approach to sex will find it a wonderfully satisfying aspect of their marriage‑for the simple reason that the relationship is rooted in reality, and not in some artificial or impossible ideal.

Separation and Divorce

According to society, marriage is a contract between two individuals, which can be dissolved if there is sufficient cause. With such a limited view of marriage, it's natural for society to find all kinds of excuses to dissolve the marriage relationship, and even to enter into marriage on a trial basis to see how it will work out.

When the Pharisees came to Jesus to test Him on the question of divorce, Jesus answered them, "Have you not read that He who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, `For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one'? So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder" (Matthew 19: 4‑6).

The second chapter of Malachi tells us that God hates divorce. The Bible leaves no doubt that marriage is for life; separation and divorce are contrary to God's order.

God '.s Order for Mates 25

We let that stand as a flat statement, even while we recognize the exception which Jesus cited, and also the one which St. Paul recognized.' The marriages which are dissolved strictly on the basis of the exceptions permitted by Scripture are minimal, and for a very good reason: Where even one of the partners is determined to live according to Scripture, the marriage will rarely come to such a pass. Quoting again from Bonhoeffer: "God makes your marriage indissoluble. He protects it against every danger which threatens it from without or within; God himself guarantees the indissolubility of the marriage. No temptation, no human weakness can dissolve what God joins; indeed, whoever knows it may confidently say: What God has joined together, man cannot put asunder."

Christian people need to recognize that in taking the name of Christ, they accept a different standard of marriage than that which is permitted by civil authority. Martin Luther recognized that civil authorities could grant divorce. But he spelled out at the same time the implications which this would have for a Christian: "Where there are no Christians, or perverse and false Christians, it would be well for the authorities to allow them, like heathens, to put away their wives, and to take others, in order that they may not, with their discordant lives, have two hells, both here and there. But let theca know that by their divorce they cease to be Christians, and become heathens, and are in a state of damnation." '‑'

In opposition to this, an objection arises which is so natural that no one can be surprised at it: `If marriages are indissoluble, and if husband and wife are bound to one another for life, then an unhappy marriage is an evil of an inexpressible magnitude.' Yes, so it is: and so it ought to be. Let it not be said that such a punish‑

'Matthew 5:32, I Corinthians 7:10. For a fine biblical study of this question, we recommend the book DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE by Guy Duty, published by Bethany Fellowship. Minneapolis. Minnesota.

Luther's Werke, Ed. Erlangen, Vol. 51. p. 37.

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ment is too hard for the youthful levity which has determined the choice. That levity ought to undergo the hardest possible punishment, because it has made the most solemn and holy of all human relationships a matter of sport, of carelessness, and of sensual gratification.*

If a truly innocent person has to bear the burden of an unhappy marriage, there is hope for him even in his sufferings; and even these are, for a man surrendered to God, the most wholesome school of purification, and of discipline in virtue: the years lost for earthly happiness become gained for eternity.*

People who set up personal happiness as the chief goal and purpose of marriage will find this intolerably severe. It is a question, however, whether God considers it too severe. God does not shy away from asking His people to endure hardship, if this is the best way to achieve His purposes. It may well be that in order to preserve the stability of marriage as an institution of God, some people will have to endure an unhappy marriage. This is a lesser evil than the wholesale breakdown of marriage which we are witnessing in our own day. We may not be able to stem the tide of that in society at large. But Christian people can determine that they will live by God's laws, regardless of the prevailing standards in the world around them.

Nor should Christian pastors and counselors soften God's law out of a presumed compassion and concern for those caught in an unhappy marital situation. There come times when a Christian must be told to endure hardship for the sake of Christ, and this is such a time. The evils of divorce are great enough for the individual himself. In California, where the divorce rate is almost twice the national average for the United States, statistics show that general illness, alcoholism, mental illness, maternal and child health, and suicide are markedly higher among divorced persons.3 The evil done to society at large is even greater.

The laws in favor of divorce were in all probability

3 Dr. Lester Breslow, director, California Dept. of Public Health.

God's Order for Mates 27

made with a view to humanitarian interest. But it is the spirit of our age, and not the spirit of love, which is behind them. Because marriage is the precious foundation and corner‑stone of all society, the destructive spirit of our age manifests itself most strongly in our divorce laws. No folly is so great or so fatal as this, to imagine that it is possible to throw morality to the winds, and to preserve religion; to loosen the marriage tie and to draw more tightly the bond of government; to give over to destruction the divinely appointed foundation of all human welfare, if only the self‑invented props of the state be provided: iron oppression, and crafty espionage.*

But the greatest evil of all is that done to the authority and rule of Christ. for divorce flies in the teeth of His word: "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder" (Matthew 19:6). Christ spoke that word out of a deep knowledge of the central place which marriage holds in God's eternal plans for mankind. The person who tampers with so solemn a word of Christ does so at great spiritual peril. The Apostles did not hesitate in urging their people to sacrifice temporal happiness for eternal gain, nor should we. Better a lifetime of loneliness or misery than an eternity of regret.

Mutual Esteem

Mutual esteem, and a correct appreciation of the place which God has assigned to each, are the primary conditions of happiness in marriage.*

To esteem one's mate is to see the mate as more than an individual, as one set in a sacred position by God. We esteem the person who occupies a high public office, out of respect for his office. How much more should we esteem that person set next to us in marriage; for to be designated `husband' or `wife' by God is to enter upon a position of highest dignity and trust in His Kingdom.

Esteem is an essential element of love. If it is absent, love ceases to be love; a mere passion remains. Mutual

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esteem protects a marriage from becoming a victim of the inevitable ups‑and‑downs which it will encounter. If a husband's tenderness and care for his wife depends upon the way she looks or the way he may happen to feel on any given day‑if the wife's respect for her husband fluctuates with her moods, or her judgment as to how well he is satisfying her standards and expectations ‑that marriage is on shaky ground. Love has become the pawn of passing moods and feelings. God means for love in marriage to be built upon a more stable foundation. That foundation is a regard for the position in which the mate has been placed by God.

God never commands a love involving intimate affection between two people on the mere basis of their natural attraction to one another. He does not bring a man and a woman into proximity with one another and then say, "Now, love each other; and when I see that your love is strong enough, then I will bless it with marriage." Falling in love is a wonderful experience, and where it is accompanied by modesty and restraint, God shares the joy of it. It may well be the thing that leads two people to marriage. But God does not build a marriage upon the foundation of that mere natural attraction. In the wedding sermon which he wrote to his niece, Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, "Just as it is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king, so it is marriage, and not merely your love for each other, that joins you together in the sight of God and man. As high as God is above man, so high are the sanctity, the rights, and the promise of marriage above the sanctity, the rights, and the promise of love. It is riot your lone that sustains marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love. "

Romantic‑love‑as‑the‑only‑viable‑basis‑for ‑marriage is one of the unexamined and therefore blindly followed axioms of our culture. We blithely assume that this is the only basis for marriage consistent with human freedom and dignity, and since "love" occurs in the formula it must also be more Christian.

In many cultures marriages are arranged by the

God's Order for Mates ., 29

families of the prospective bride and groom. Such a practice would be intolerable in our culture. It is inconceivable to us that a marriage contracted on such a basis could be a happy one. If it were, we would chalk it off to pure luck. Happy marriages, however, are not the invention of our culture. What is the invention of our own culture is the notion that romantic love is the only sound basis for a marriage. One might well ask whether our culture, following this notion, has produced fewer miserable marriages. The rate of divorce causes one at least to wonder.

In considering the structure of Christian marriage, the nature and place of romantic love needs to be reexamined. We tend to give it a status of autonomous authority over a marriage. Love is something that just "is": Either you have it or you don't, and there's not too much you can do about it. The disillusioned young couple discovers that "we just don't love each other any more" and tearfully concludes that their marriage has lost its essential basis for existence.

Now love is an essential ingredient of marriage. But the marriage does not depend upon love for its continued existence. Rather, the love depends upon marriage for its continued existence. Marriage gives to love a situation of stability and permanence, wherein it can grow toward maturity. Marriage rescues love from the tyranny of strong but immature feelings. It forces a person to live out times of difficulty, and win through to new depths of love and understanding.

Love should never be allowed to tyrannize a marriage and threaten its dissolution. Couples who come to the despairing conclusion that "we just don't love each other any more" should be told quite simply, "Well, start learning!" When we have entered into marriage, God commands us to love one another. Love, from God's point‑of‑view, is not the basis for marriage, but the issue or outcome of a successful marriage. It is far more subject to the will than we suppose. We help cultivate and develop love because we set our mind to do so. In marriage, we are not the helpless pawns of love. Rather,

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we train love to be the willing servant of our marriage. This kind of love does not grow in the sandy soil of our immediate feelings. It roots down into the rich subsoil of mutual esteem. The woman holds her mate in the high regard which God has conferred on him with the name `husband'; the man likewise cherishes the woman whom God has honored with the name `wife.' A reverence for the dignity and honor which God has bestowed upon one's mate establishes married love upon an enduring foundation. Upon this foundation can be built the kind of love which St. Paul describes in I Corinthians 13‑

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous, or conceited, or proud; love is not ill mannered, or selfish, or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs, love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up: its faith, hope, and patience never fail. Love is eternal.

Marriage‑A Mystery

The Bible looks upon marriage not as a social contract between two individuals that may be dissolved at will; rather, it looks upon marriage as a mystery. St. Paul, writing to the Ephesians, says, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one." Then he goes on and says, "This is a great mystery, and I take it to mean Christ and the Church" (Ephesians 5:3132). In other words, your marriage‑every Christian marriage‑is designed to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and His Church.

Thus, contrary to natural thinking, much of the real joy in marriage comes from gluing, not getting. For marriage is modeled on the relationship between Christ and His Church. In every Christian marriage the world should be able to see that mutual giving and self‑giving which characterizes the relationship between Christ and the Church.

What opportunities present themselves daily to the

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man to give‑to express toward his mate the love of One who gave up His very life for His Bride! What opportunities present themselves daily to the woman to give‑to express the faithfulness of the Church as it is described in Ephesians 5:24 and 27, ` . . subject in everything to Christ . . . without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish!" This is not merely an ideal, but is the projected goal of the Holy Spirit with every Christian couple.

CHAPTER TWO

God's Order for Wives

"Ladies first" is a familiar quotation in regard to proper social order. The Bible applies the same principle when it speaks about God's order for the family, and it is probably no accident: In a family, the wife is the link between husband and children; when she lives according to Divine Order, it will tend to draw both husband and children into order. Therefore, in speaking about Divine Order in the family, Scripture addresses first the wife‑

"Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the Church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands" (Ephesians 5:22‑24). The very thought of 'being subject to' or 'submissive to' one's husband will stir up negative feelings within many capable and intelligent women who think of it in terms of being an inactive, insignificant doormat‑

Husband, husband, cease your strife,

No longer idly rave, sir;

Though I am your wedded wife,

Yet I am not your slave, sir! (Burns)

To God, however, submission means something else. To be submissive means to yield humble and intelligent obedience to an ordained power or authority. The example He gives is that of the Church being sub‑

God's Order For Wives 33

missive to the rule of Christ. Far from being degrading, this is the Church's glory! God did not give this law of wives being submissive to their husbands because He had a grudge against women; on the contrary, He established this order for the protection of women arid the harmony of the home. He means for a woman to be sheltered from many of the rough encounters of life. Scripture knows nothing of a 50‑50 'democratic marriage.' God's order is 100‑100. The wife is 100 /o a wife, the husband 100 % a husband.

God has given wives the opportunity to choose freely the submissive role, even as Jesus chose to be submissive to the Father. "Have this mind among yourselves, which you have in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of man. And being found in human form He became obedient unto death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him . . . " (Phil. 2:5‑9). God honors not those who cling to their 'rights,' but those who choose freely to obey Him.

' A Good Wife . . . .More Precious Than Jewels "

In A Mart Called Peter, Catherine Marshall tells how her late husband tended to put women on a pedestal. She quotes the following from one of his sermons: "Modern girls argue that they have to earn an income, in order to establish a home, which would be impossible on their husband's income. That is sometimes the case, but it must always be viewed as a regrettable necessity, never as the normal or natural thing for a wife to have to do. The average woman, if she gives her full time to her home, her husband, her children . . . If she tries to understand her husband's work . . . to curb his egotism while, at the same time, building up his self-esteem, to kill his masculine conceit while encouraging all his hopes, to establish around the family a circle of true friends . . . If she provides in the home a proper

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atmosphere of culture, of love of music, of beautiful furniture and of a garden . . . If she can do all this, she will be engaged in a life work that will demand every ounce of her strength, every bit of her patience, every talent God has given her, the utmost sacrifice of her love. It will demand everything she has and more. And she will find that for which she was created. She will know that she is carrying out the plan of God. She will be a partner with the Sovereign Ruler of the universe."

Proverbs 31:10‑31 presents the Bible's most complete and beautiful picture of what a good wife should be. She is capable, ambitious, a willing worker; she is kind, wise, trustworthy, cheerful, providing for her household and reaching beyond. She knows her worth. She uses to good purpose her intelligence, her physical strength, her God‑fearing character. She makes life abundant for her husband, their children, and for the poor and needy beyond their family circle. A remarkable woman!

And what triggers all this creative effort? A husband who holds the whip hand over her and keeps her submissive? On the contrary, it is a husband who expresses his unqualified appreciation for her: "Her husband praises her: 'Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.' " Where a wife's submission becomes a harsh demand from the husband, God's Order has been thrown overboard, and a mere human authority remains. But where a husband fulfills also his role in God's order‑which is to 'love his wife, and not be harsh with her' (Colossians 3:19)‑then a wife's submission to him becomes a fountain of mutual love and devotion, a thing of surpassing moral and spiritual beauty.

A good wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels The heart of her husband trusts in her.

Submission‑A .'Means of Protection

In the world a woman is subject to physical attack,

God's Order for Wives . 35

and therefore needs her husband's protection. This is a basic, universal fact of existence and is written into the folkways of every age and culture.

A woman's vulnerability, however, does not stop at the physical level. It includes also vulnerability at the emotional, psychological, and spiritual level. Here, too, she needs a husband's authority and protection.

An irate neighbor bangs on the front door. When the wife answers it, the neighbor lets loose a stream of complaints because some of the fence slats between your two yards have been knocked loose, and this most certainly by your children and therefore the repairs are your responsibility.

"I'll speak to my husband about it," is the wife's reply. This is not an 'out,' but is the natural and proper response of a wife who is living under her husband's protection and authority. She is meant to be largely free of the emotional burden which comes from representing the family outward to the community.

Less recognized, but even more important, is a wife's need for protection from the emotional attacks of her own children. A mother should not have to ask, much less battle, for respect from the children. This robs her of the poise which enables her to maintain a spirit of calm and dignity for the whole household. It is the husband's responsibility to protect his wife from any abuse which the children might mount against her. Should the father overhear the slightest hint of disrespect toward the mother, or the least lapse of obedience to her word, he should put a stop to it at once and firmly. The children should always know that behind the mother stands the authority of the father.

Still vivid in my memory is a comic‑serious incident from my own childhood. I had argued over something with my mother. As she left the room I shouted after her, "You're a big dummy!" My father had come into the room a few moments earlier. His arm shot out, caught me by the shirt front, and lifted me right off the floor. "Who's a dummy" he demanded. Scared stiff I blubbered. "I’m a dummy. I'm a dummy. I'm

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a dummy!" My older brother burst out laughing, and my father could scarcely suppress a smile. My desperate retreat into self‑incrimination salted the situation with enough humor to save me from a spanking. But I never forgot the lesson of that day: If I abused my mother, I would incur the wrath of my father.

A husband who protects his wife from the discourtesies and abuses of the children instills in them a sense of respect for womanhood. This, together with his own example of courtesy and considerateness toward his wife, is part of the legacy which every father should pass on to his sons.

Finally, and most important of all, a woman is also subject to spiritual attack. A husband stands as a shield and protector to his wife against assault from the unseen world of 'principalities and powers' (Ephesians 6:10).

Paul suggests this in I Corinthians 11:10, "Therefore she (the wife) should be subject to his (her husband's) authority and should have a covering on her head as a token, a symbol of her submission to authority, because of the angels." (Amplified Bible, RSV.) We know that Paul uses the word "angel" (angelos) to refer both to the loyal spirits of God (2 Thessalonians 1:7) and to the rebellious cohorts of Satan (I Corinthians 6:3, Romans 8:38). The context here may suggest that Paul has in mind the latter application of the word. It is not merely the propriety of the veil which concerns him. He recognizes that a woman who is unprotected by her husband's authority is open to (evil) angelic influence.

St. Paul understood that women are vulnerable to spiritual attack, especially along the lines of deception, and that their protection is found in coming under a man's authority. This is the reason for his otherwise puzzling advice in I Timothy 2:12‑14, "I permit no women to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent . . . For. . . Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived." Women can contribute much as teachers of children and of other women. They can prophesy and pray publicly (Joel 2:28, 29; 1 Corinthians

God's Order for Wives , 37

11:5), but they are not to formulate doctrine or to set themselves up as leaders over men in the church.

How much evil has come upon home and church because women have lost the protective shield of a husband's authority! We have let Satan beguile us into believing that it is degrading for a wife to be submissive and obedient to her husband's authority. The whole teaching is dismissed as a foolish vaunting of the "male ego," a Neanderthal vestige which our enlightened age has happily outgrown. The Bible, however, has no desire to exalt any ego, male or female. The Divine Order set forth for the family serves the elemental purpose of protection, spiritual protection. A husband's authority and a wife's submissiveness to that authority, is a shield of protection against Satan's devices. Satan knows this, and that is why he uses every wile to undermine and break down God's pattern of Divine Order for the family.

When a woman lives under her husband's authority, she can move with great freedom in spiritual things. Protected from many of the satanic devices which would come against her, she can move with power and effect in the life of prayer, and in the exercise of spiritual gifts.

God's intention is that a husband should stand between his wife and the world, absorbing many of the physical, emotional, and spiritual pressures which would come against her. It is the husband, not the wife, who is primarily responsible for what goes on in the home, the community, and the church. When he deserts this role, or when the wife usurps it, both the home and the community outside the home suffer for it.

The question naturally arises, "What about the single woman, or the widow? How does she receive protection?" The New Testament looked upon the church as the protector of "widows and orphans." (See Acts 6:1, James 1:27, I Timothy 5:3‑16.) When a woman had the protection neither of a father (or male relative), nor of a husband, she was to look upon the leaders of the church as her spiritual 'head.' From them she would receive spiritual counsel and protection. Her material

38 The Christian Family

needs also become the concern of the local church.

It would be hard to conceive of a wiser arrangement for the woman who does not live under the direct authority of a father or a husband. The church has the requisite spiritual power and authority to be that shield and protector which a woman needs. And by committing this responsibility to a group (most likely the deacons, see Acts 6:3), the situation could be handled with due propriety.

This same principle could be put into practice if a husband were required by business, military service, or some other cause to be absent from his family for a period of time. The spiritual care and protection of his family could be committed to the leaders of the church. A man going on a business trip, for instance, can simply mention this to one or more of the deacons, and ask that special prayer be offered for his family during his absence. The family may also call upon the deacons, if they need any special help which would normally fall to the head of the house. Thus individuals and families may call upon the larger family of the church, so that no one be without spiritual care and protection.

Submission‑A Means of Social Balance

St. Paul wrote, "As many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is NEITHER MALE NOR FEMALE, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:27‑28).

Some people have taken this isolated text as a basis for teaching an indiscriminate social "equality" between men and women. But this is far from the Apostle's meaning.

In their relation to God as His children, in spiritual communion with Christ. in the possession of the Holy Ghost‑in all these relations to God, and to the higher world‑men and women stand on equal footing.

Yet not one of the relationships which God has ordered for this world between man and man is thereby

God's Order for Wives . 39

shaken from its place. Paul was certainly far from preaching a political equality of all men, or a division of earthly possessions in the sense of communism. As little did he think of speaking a word in favor of the modern plans for introducing an equality between man and woman.

There is a firm, unalterable decree of God in the position of men and women. It was established by their creation, and is found in the nature of both. It was not overturned by Christianity; it is confirmed in the New Testament. Upon it rests the harmony of a Christian marriage. To acknowledge it seems easy enough. Yet it is a problem which few couples solve satisfactorily, and the failure to solve it is the cause of much unhappiness in the marriage relationship.

According to the ideas of Eastern nations, the wife is depressed to the condition of her husband's slave. According to those of the romantic period, she was elevated to be his mistress. Both conceptions are erroneous, though the romantic notion is the nobler error. These two extremes still contend and cross one another in common life. Yet the purely Christian ideal is distinct from both.

The Bible teaches a subordination of the wife to her husband. In this, both Old and New Testaments agree. This subordination is grounded upon the creation. "Adam was formed first, then Eve." It is further grounded upon the fall of our first parents: "Adam was not deceived (as long as he stood alone), but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor" (I Timothy 2:13, 14). After the Fall, upon each was laid a particular burden. The subordination of the wife was confirmed, indeed it was increased. God said to the woman, "In pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." To the man God said, "Cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life: in the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken" Genesis :3:16‑19 i."

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We may strive against these words as much as we please. They are, and ever will be, the primitive law which has never ceased to be valid. Fallen man must submit to it, unless he would depart yet farther from God. No resistance avails here. These words are continually operating. These barriers stand firm. These burdens are laid upon us, and cannot be shaken off.

Upon man is laid the authority to rule. But with it comes heavy care and hard labor upon a cursed earth. In every earthly calling he must taste something of the bitterness of that curse. Gladly would the man allow the rule to pass out of his hands‑if at the same time he were released from the care and responsibility. The number of men who have abdicated their position as heads of their households bears testimony to this in our own day.*

The woman is not afraid of the toil, but desires the rule. The continual self‑denial of her own will is her heaviest trial.*

Thus the burden of both man and woman is chosen for them, so as to fall most heavily upon the natural inclinations of each. In the natural state, man and woman find the burden to be truly a curse. If it is unbearable, it is not to be wondered at, for it should be so. The yoke should be so heavy to them that they cannot bear it without God's help. The burden of this life should compel them to seek God.*

If they do this, then a hidden blessing opens up in the curse. The burden becomes only half as heavy. It serves as a purification. It shows itself as the ordering of Divine wisdom and love. It is a preparation and education for the kingdom of God.*

Many otherwise sensible people try to force marriage to function contrary to its nature. A person who would drive a car off a cliff, expecting it to fly, would present a ridiculous, if not a tragic, spectacle; flying is altogether contrary to a car's nature. God has assigned a certain role in marriage to each partner. These respective roles are a part of the basic nature of marriage. To ignore them, or devise our own substitutes,

God's Order for Wives 41

is to invite a marital crack‑up.

"But what if the husband's decision will head the family into disaster? Doesn't the wife have to take a hand when such a situation threatens? Are there no limits whatsoever to this business of submissiveness?" (One can hardly suppress the question!)

The Bible says, "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18). Clearly, the Apostle means that it is fitting or proper for the wife to be subject to her husband. Yet there is the implication that her obedience must be `in the Lord,' i.e., must not lead her into anything which could directly be called sin. This does not mean that a wife may go against her husband's authority when there is mere disagreement over some matter relating to the spiritual life of herself or the children.

Andre Bustanoby, Baptist pastor in Fullerton, California, points out that both Peter and Paul state the command for a wife to be submissive without qualification (Ephesians 5:24, I Peter 3:1). "Peter's use of Sarah as an illustration of obedience is notable," he says, "since Abraham twice, in order to protect his own life, denied that Sarah was his wife and allowed her to be taken into a ruler's harem (Genesis 12:10‑20, 20:1‑8). The implication is not that a wife should allow her husband to sell her into prostitution if he wishes. But by stating the case absolutely, both Peter and Paul forestall capriciousness in the matter of submission."

A church in Brazil, which has experienced a great awakening, has had to face the problem of women who come into the faith, while the husbands remain outside‑some indifferent, but some openly hostile to the faith. Some husbands have forbidden their wives to attend church or take part in church activities. The leadership of the congregation has told the wife to accept this, and trust God to change the husband's heart. And a number of men have thus been won to the faith.

This is a difficult case, for one might argue with some justification that worship touches the very heart

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of our faith, and here 'we must obey God rather than men' (Acts 5:29). Yet it illustrates how far God will go in honoring His own Divine Order for the family.

In all of this, however, it is important to distinguish between submissiveness and servility. A wife who sees that her husband's judgment is wrong or unwise should tell him so‑with all respect, but freely and honestly. The judgment, wisdom, and opinion of a loving wife is one of a man's greatest assets. It saves him from many a foolish mistake, and it is his privilege and responsibility as a husband to receive the wise counsel of his wife. The wife who says quietly, "Do whatever you think is best"‑never offering an opinion even when she sees that her husband is heading the family for trouble‑is not being submissive, but foolishly servile. She must tell him her thoughts fully and make her case as strongly as she can, never laying aside her respect, but never concealing her honest doubts about a particular decision. When she has done this, then she may let the decision rest with her husband, trusting God to give him good judgment.

Submissiveness is not a matter of mere outward form but of inner attitude. A wife can be a person of strong, even outspoken opinions, and still be submissive to her husband's authority, if deep down she respects him and is quite prepared and content for him to make and carry out the final decision. On the other hand, a wife who scarcely opens her mouth with an idea of her own, never questions her husband's decisions, and goes along with all his schemes no matter how foolish, may underneath it all nurse a deep and sullen rebellion. Sooner or later God will put her in a situation where this will break out into the open and have to be dealt with, for God is interested in the condition of the heart, not merely in our outward behavior.

In spiritual things, especially, a wise husband will welcome the counsel and opinion of his wife. Women often have a more direct, intuitive grasp of spiritual realities than men. Klaus Hess, a Lutheran pastor in Germany, has put it thus: "In physical life, the man be‑

God's Order For Wives 43

,vets new life while the wife bears it and brings it forth. In spiritual life this is often reversed: the woman begets a new vision, sees a new dimension of spiritual reality, and the man must then patiently bring it forth in its practical out‑workings."

If a wife sees, for instance, that the family is sliding away from God‑neglecting family and private prayers, skipping church, becoming too involved in other outside activities‑she must share this insight freely with her husband. To see this is a revelation of the Holy Spirit. It may be that the husband is not truly aware of its implications, for the sins of omission are peculiarly deceptive. It is no breach of submission to say these things to her husband, even urging him to take a hand in setting things right again. Indeed, it would be wrong if she were to remain silent. For if she feels that the Holy Spirit has given her understanding in a particular matter, she is obligated to share this with her husband so that he may weigh it in his considerations. The spiritual health and direction of the family is fully as dependent upon the insight and concern of the wife, as upon the authority and protection of the husband.

Submission does not mean that one remains piously silent, 'leaving everything in the husband's hands.' Submission to authority means that you put yourself wholly at the disposal of the person who is set over you. This is the meaning that the Apostle Paul sets before the Christian in his submission to God: "Yield yourselves to God . . . and your members to God as instruments of righteousness" (Romans 6:13). And this is the submission on which the husband‑wife relationship is modeled. If a wife withholds her understanding and feelings on a matter, she is being less than submissive, for she is not putting these things at her husband's disE1osal.

When she has made her thoughts fully known, there ,he may rest the decision with her husband and with (:od. Nor should she try to force her own understanding and opinion through at any cost. But fully and freely express her thouehts she can and must, else the family

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will be denied the very blessings which God intends to channel through her.

Thus the subordinate role of the wife does not stifle her personality. On the contrary, it provides the best environment for her creativity and individuality to express itself in a wholesome way. It is God's way of drawing upon her gifts of intelligence, insight, and judgment, without at the same time burdening her with the authority and responsibility of decision. The subordinate role of the wife is necessary not only for her own wellbeing, but also because it contributes to maintaining a balance both within the family itself, and in society at large.

Dr. Bruno Bettelheim, noted psychologist and author, director of the Orthogenic Center for disturbed children, warns that too many husbands are becoming `assistant mothers' in their own homes. "Take child care," he says. "In countless families, the father is merely 'mother's little helper.' She exhorts him, 'Why don't you change the baby?' `How about feeding him while I go shopping?' `Get him dressed, I'm busy.' It's condoned by many family experts. They urge today's father to be a part‑time nursemaid so that he will be 'emotionally enriched' as mother is.

"But this is foolish advice. Male physiology and Psychology aren't geared to it. Not that there's anything wrong with a father occasionally giving baby a bottle, if the situation requires it or he enjoys it. What's wrong is thinking that it adds to his parenthood. When a man tries to be a 'better' father by acting like a mother, he is not only less fulfilled as a father, but as a man, too. A father's relationship with his children can't be built mainly around child‑caring experiences. If it is, he's a substitute mother‑not a father!

"Similarly, under this 'petticoat rule' if a tired father is bludgeoned into serving as a kitchen aide and handyman, it doesn't enrich his father