Clergy Criminal Child Sexual
Abuse-perspective from the abused here are three cases:
The following material has been compiled from several sources but the
nature of the Clergy Criminal Child Sexual Abuse is very common to many…
#1.
1. Sexual abuse is a very denied and hushed subject, especially when
it’s perpetrated by a person in Spiritual leadership.
2. Through Biblical Counseling, the effects of the abuse can be overcome,
God uses evil for good for those who love Christ.
3. The sexually abused will often suppress their feelings because it
is too hard to talk about in the Christian community, and when they do
ask for help, they are often further abused by neglect, ignorance and outright
deceit by those wanting to just get it over with, with the least damage
to the “church”.
4. Sexual abuse does happen in the church. There are wheat and tares,
sheep and wolves in sheep’s clothing’s.
5. To help the criminal sexually abused and the criminal sexual abuse
offenders, Christians need to be informed about sexual abuse and the Biblical
principles enabling the Christian community to deal Biblically with the
abused and the abuser.
First, I want to help victims understand some of the effects of their sexual abuse, to see the need to participate in their own spiritual, and emotional healing, and be encouraged to know that many abused have spiritually and emotionally healed and gone on to live satisfying and Godly lives.
Second, I want to help the church family and friends to be able to be supportive to loved ones who have been victims of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse impacts the abused’s life in several ways. When someone is sexually abused the entire person is touched by the trauma: physically, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, and spiritually.
Third, the adult victim will not see the connection between their present situations and interpersonal relationships and their past history of abuse. Because of their tremendous feelings of the offender’s guilt and shame, [believing it to be theirs], the abused will deny that the abuse was a big deal and try to minimize the effects or that it effected them at all. Next, I will tell you about the effects sexual abuse has had on me and how I have begun to heal...
Remember, whenever someone is keeps a secret that they are keeping because
they are to ashamed to tell anyone, Satan uses that secret to destroy the
abused, the abuser, and all those in a relationship with them. Secrets
are very damaging because they enable the burden of the secret to cause
guilt, fear, anger, and loss of trust. These effects show up in the victims
relationship with God, self and in their relationships with others. I kept
my secret for years before I got help. I never would have gone for help
on my own. I told one person who cared enough about me to convince me that
I needed help because I denied
the abuse for so long.
It all began when I was 15 ½ years old, I was involved in a relationship with the pastor of my church that developed beyond a Godly friendship into a physical relationship. His name is Jerry and he was in his mid twenties at the time and married.
Jerry is a very respected, well liked person. Our church felt very fortunate to have him as the pastor. The youth group never was, or ever has been, more successful than it was when Jerry was at our church. He is a very outgoing, friendly, affectionate person, especially towards girls. He was very popular and could get more students to come to youth group than anyone else because he was so well liked by everyone. He could hang out at the high school during lunch time and make friends with students and present God to them in a way that was non threatening to them which would allow him to witness to hundreds of students. He was very well liked by students, parents, colleagues, and everybody else that knew him. Our friendship started when I entered the junior high group at the church.
We had a normal seeming relationship until about the summer between my first and second year in high school. That summer Jerry and I became very close friends. We started doing things together alone other than youth events. We would go out for ice cream, he would come visit me at work, and we would talk on the phone almost everyday. He would tell me that I was a very special friend. I cannot remember the first time that we kissed. I am pretty sure it happened in the car somewhere.
I called Jerry everyday when I got home from school. Sometimes we would just talk and sometimes he would come get me and we would go out for a soda or to a park or just for a drive. I had never kissed a boy before Jerry, my dad would have killed me. I remember being very confused about my sexuality because I didn't understand the sexual feelings I was feeling when Jerry kissed me. When we would fondling each other I can remember feeling good but I didn't understand why I was feeling so sexually aroused, I was way too young to put it together. Sometimes Jerry would pick me up for school (I would tell my parents I was going into school early and I would pretend like I was going to the bus stop for the early bus, then Jerry would pick me up down the road) and we would go somewhere to kiss and I would become so sexually aroused and I would be so embarrassed for the first couple of hours at school because I was self-conscious that people would know. I felt very dirty and guilty at times because I new that what we were doing was wrong, yet I didn't do anything to stop it because it felt so good. No one really noticed my spending so much time with Jerry. I just wanted to be with him so much, it felt so good.
Jerry made me feel very special and very pretty, that was important to me as a awakward teen. When we were at church and at youth events Jerry acted like we were good friends. Sometimes he would pull me aside to tell me how pretty I was or smile at me lovingly when nobody was looking. Nobody suspected that there was anything going on. He did a good job of covering his tracks. Later, because Jerry was so good at hiding what we were doing and feeling, he would make me out to be a real problem teen and that it was all my imagination.
Jerry told me God had given us a special relationship and told me of his fantasizing about leaving his wife and running away with me. He talked about marrying me and moving to a town where nobody knew us so we could start a life together. By now, Jerry was fondling my breast and touching my genitals. Once at his house in his bedroom we were both naked and he had an erection and tried to make me have intercourse. Thankfully I said no and pushed him off of me-I was really scared. So I gave in to just touching his penis, I still felt really bad, being in his wife’s bed. This kind of stuff kept happening at church camp, mission trips, taking me home last or picking me up first, his house, my house, just about anytime Jerry could find a place no one could see us, he would kiss and fondle me.
Eventually I really started to feel like our relationship was wrong and I wanted out but didn't know how to get out. Towards the end, I didn't like it and I tried to avoid being with Jerry. I felt very dirty, lonely and confused. And I also felt like there was no way out. This is about the time that Jerry decided to leave the church and take a job as a Pastor at a church in another state.
When he told me I remember feeling so relieved! I was glad that he was going to be far away. Everyone thought that I would be so sad because they knew that we were close friends so I faked being sad when I was really so relieved. I felt guilty for avoiding him but I also felt so guilty being with him. We wrote and kept in touch but it was such a comfort to me that he was far away. I felt very uncomfortable around him when he came back to visit and I would try to avoid being alone with him.
I tried dating but I broke off all the relationships. I was very lonely throughout the rest of my school years. I only had one pretty good friend. Otherwise, I drowned myself in school work. After my first few years of college I was very disappointed because I still felt like I didn't have any close friends. The only person I had was Pete. After about a year of dating Pete I decided to tell him about Jerry because I had always wanted to tell someone because I felt so alone and guilty.
I trusted Pete and knew he cared about me a lot. I thought about the situation with Jerry on a daily basis and begun to feel guilty that he didn't know as our relationship grew closer. When I told Pete we both cried a lot and I felt relieved that he still liked me and wanted to go out with me. He thought I should get help but I made him promise not to tell anyone because I felt too ashamed to let anyone else know, I became very dependant on him. We broke up after several years of dating and I was more devastated than I can even explain.
He was the only person that knew everything about me and still accepted me. Some of the reasons he broke it off were because I was too dependant on him and too controlling. We did get back together and have been trying to work on those things. Pete decided that I needed help for us to grow in our relationship. I was very scared, but I went. Pete and I have grown a lot stronger and healthier because we are learning about the effects the abuse has had on me and him.
Seeing a Biblical counselor has helped us in several ways.
First, this is a seriousness problem. For too long I have denied that it was a big deal. I have tried to minimize what happen and block the pain by telling myself that it happened so long ago and that it has no effect on me now.
I now recognize that I was criminally sexually abused. It is a very serious offense and it had tremendous effects on my relationships with others. I latched on the one person I told and I distanced myself from everyone else. It was because I had this secret that I couldn't tell anyone. Secrets are always damaging because they put up barriers between you and the rest of the world.
Second, I learned criminal sexual assault is not my fault. Even though I thought I was a willing participant in the sexual behavior I was not emotionally or intellectually able to withstand this premature introduction of sexuality by an adult. This is something that was very hard for me to accept. For years I've always felt it was my fault or God's fault (since we had a special relationship) and guilty, this is another damaging consequence for the abuse. I felt like it was my fault because I liked what was happening and I didn't try hard enough to stop it. I liked feeling loved but I hated how I we're disobeying God's Word. These feelings are almost universal in victims of sexual abuse. This is one of the reasons I held it inside for so long. I felt like I had had a God given “special” relationship, then I started feeling I had an affair or something and that it was just as much my fault as it was Jerry's fault. I felt very guilty and ashamed for what I had done.
Third, I have identified through counseling the consequences the sexual abuse had on all my relationships, as I just hid away.
I didn't feel I belonged in my church groups because I felt guilty and confused about what had happen with the last pastor. So basically, I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I didn't even want to try to fit in anywhere. I liked to avoid being with people and social functions. I would rather just work at my job or go to the library to study so I could get out of the house but not be with people.
I liked having friends but I didn't like spending a lot of time with them. Whenever I would start to get really close to someone I would think about telling them what I had gone through. With this thought, I would immediately back off and go running back to Pete. Pete was the only person I really liked to be with. This, I have realized, is because he is the only one who knew everything about me and still fully accepted me. I felt very ashamed about what had happened and I felt like if anyone knew they would not accept me or would think I was a bad person. Interpersonal relationships are greatly effected by an abusive past.
One way I tried to compensate was to have relationships through taking care of others and being overly responsible for everyone and everything that happens. I have taken this role with Pete. These may seem as positive traits, but, they result in unhealthy relationships and an inability to relate in a positive, healthy manner. For a long time Pete enjoyed all of the care-taking and responsibility I took on for him but as our relationship matured it back fired on us. I started to control too much and we ended up fighting because I had taken on too much of him. I demanded to much time from him.
It has also effected me spiritually. I have confused what I felt was my sin and guilt with Jerry’s sin and guilt. I have felt so alone, ashamed, and ugly because of what happened with Jerry. This has caused me to dislike myself and therefore, not except the love God has to offer me. I didn’t trust God, blaming HIM for what happened to me by this “spiritual leader”. Through counseling I have learned to let go of Jerry’s guilt and my shame and accept God's cleansing love for me. I have experienced a more God’s love and overcoming through the caring and love the people I have confided in have showed to me. God has truly used evil for good!
Christ is my strength and my refuge. Through prayer, He has filled me with peace, comfort and compassionate love which has helped me to see myself as He sees me. He has put people in my life who are understanding and supportive. They have listened to me, showed me empathy, prayed for me and made themselves available to me whenever I need to talk. Through Christian friends, God has revealed Himself to me in the most loving and caring way.
Right now I am trying to sort out my anger. I am angry at Jerry for not taking responsibility for what he has done to me. I wrote him a letter confronting him with the issue. In the letter, I told him how much I hurt because of the secret guilt and shame I had kept for so long. I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. Then a few months later I decided I was ready to forgive him and put it behind us if he was ready to Biblically repent, confess, and make it right, with Godly sorrow. I called him to talk to him about it and he made me so mad. He said he was sorry but he didn't want to take action to prove it. He still tried to protect himself by asking me to keep quiet about it so he wouldn't get in trouble with his marriage or his job.
I am angry at him for not taking responsibility for his actions. He is still trying to blame me and he can't see that this has effected my life in many devestating ways. He is still denying that what happen was wrong which makes me believe that he may be doing this to other girls. I want to protect anyone else from the pain I have experienced so my next step is to have someone with more power confront him and demand that he goes into counseling. He needs help just as much as I do because he has a problem. His problem is effecting his relationships and I don't want other child or adult to experience criminal sexual abuse by his hands, “spiritual” leader or not.
[note: As of May 2001, Jerry continues as a “pastor” in another church
where few members, staff, or attenders, if any, know the truth of
his criminal child sexual abuse.]
#2.
edited from the net...thought PeaceMakers has had similar results with various denominations/associations, including the SBC...
As a youngster, growing up in the home of a Southern Baptist minister in Texas, I worked hard to "jump through all the hoops" which Southern Baptists consider to be essential for young women. Among the requirements was learning the watchword of the Girls' Auxiliary:
"Knowing that countless people grope in darkness...."
It never entered my mind, until I was forty years old, that the people "groping in darkness" to whom I would be called to speak would be the leadership of the SBC. They were the people I considered to be closest to God.
I never considered myself as a radical woman. In fact, I thought my responses to sexual and domestic violence would be typical of people who talked a wonderful talk about reaching out to hurting people. Perhaps there are a lot of other people out there who feel the same as I, but they seem to avoid me like a plague. I guess they know, as I do, that it is very difficult to stand up and be counted when the numbers are so few. I have been told that prophetesses are admired from afar. Well, some days it feels like I'm on Mars!
If the SBC is to really get at the heart of the problem of clergy sexual misconduct, it must first do an about-face. It must start walking in the opposite direction that it now is proceeding on women's issues. I do not ANTICIPATE this happening, but I do EXPECT it. My suspicions are that the chasm which has been created in the SBC over "inerrancy" has been brought primarily because of the fear that women might gain an equal voice. This has been demonstrated very well in what is going on between Southern Baptists and Baptist Women (historically known as the Women's Missionary Union).
In 1995, about a year after {pmi: has not read this material] "How Little We Knew" http://www.advocateweb.org/hope/howlittle.htm) was published, I started doing advocacy writing in SBC circles, bracing myself for some angry responses from people in high places. To my surprise, the reaction from leadership was mostly silence. However, I got three responses from Convention leaders "groping in darkness."
One of them came from a man whose name I had known and respected since childhood: "Listen," he spoke patronizingly. "I want you to know that I'm no novice at this business. I've dealt with at least fifty cases!" This horrified me because, from what he had already said, I knew he had wounded at least fifty victims and left fifty congregations in shambles. A few minutes later he asked: "Don't you think you are also partially responsible for what happened to you?" At first, I thought he didn't know my story, so I attempted to give him the basic facts of my assault by a Southern Baptist missionary in Africa. He then told me that he considered ALL victims, no matter what the violation, to be partially responsible. Had he said that five years earlier, I would have been devastated-but not in 1996. I was outraged by his Dark Age response, and I told him so. (Months later, after much more dialogue, I believe he gained a respect for what I was saying; but I'm not naïve enough to believe he really "gets it.")
At that point I picked up the phone and called a lady I consider to be one of the most knowledgeable on women's issues in the Southern Baptist Convention. To my amazement, she echoed the sentiments of the man. "I even believe that little children somehow do something to invite the abuse," she told me. She proceeded to tell me how she had "resolved" a case which had come to her attention between a young woman and her pastor. Her response blew the wind out of my sails.
It took a few days to regain my energy. When I did, I placed a call to a clinical psychologist in the eastern U.S. whom I had been told had treated many victims. She expressed appreciation for my work. A few days later, however, I received a note saying (in essence): "Please don't ask me to get involved." (I hadn't.) "I'm too close to retirement right now, and I want to retire in peace." My guess is she will have a hard time doing so!
The issues are those of VIOLENCE vs. SAFETY. Sometimes the cases involve outright physical violence; sometimes they don't. But all involve spiritual violence, which is even more devastating than physical or emotional violence. Both of these words--VIOLENCE and SAFETY--are often missing from the works of writers attempting to address the issues. As I told you on the phone yesterday, I don't think it is safe to be a woman in the Southern Baptist Convention. Neither is it safe to be a child in many situations. As long as secrecy is the order of the day, it will never be safe.
I'm not saying it is easy to take a stand. Yet the leadership must be willing to invest itself heavily in addressing the evil in its own midst at the same time it is working to address what it considers to be the evils of "the world." What we have is a split in attitudes and behaviors: aggression against the evils "out there" and passivity about the internal evils. It must stop, but it will ONLY STOP WHEN LAITY GET UPSET ENOUGH TO HOLD THEIR LEADERS RESPONSIBLE FOR INCOMPETENCY IN STOPPING THE GROSS IMMORALITY WITHIN THE PROFESSION.
This is the largest non-Catholic denomination in the world. What an example it could be! Yet it slides by because of its "escape clause" created by its structure of autonomous churches. This is a denomination which has the resources to clean up its act, but it is full of termites, especially in regard to how it treats women.
My prayer is that more and more ministers who are more interested in being pastors than politicians will find the moral fortitude to join in the tearing down of infrastructures to get to the real work of the Kingdom-following the example of Christ in protecting the vulnerable. Shepherds don't devour their sheep. Neither do shepherds stand by and watch another shepherd devouring sheep. WHERE ARE THE REAL MEN?
Victims of SBC ministers in thirty states have contacted me. Most of these have never made a report to anyone. They are afraid and rightfully so. Almost fifty percent of them were abused as minors. Statistics given at the 4th International Conference on Professional Sexual Misconduct (October, 1998) are that one out of three victims of clergy are minors. My guess is that the more conservative the denomination, the higher the percentage of minors and the higher the degree of outright physical violence will be evidenced. This is certainly true in the hundreds of reports I have gotten from around the world.
My hope was that the SBC, since they have arrived as the late-comers in stepping up to bat on these issues, would be willing to learn from the mistakes of their forerunners in other denominations. So far, I see nothing to give me great hope. The talk, as was evidenced just last week in the Texas Baptist Standard, is that every effort will be made to recycle perpetrators under the guise of "wanderers," as opposed to "predators." The problem is that the people who are saying these things have had limited formal training in evaluation and treatment of offenders. My guess is they are getting the information from books or from pastoral counselors who have set themselves up as "experts" without listening in depth to people like[pmi: do not know of these names at this time] Marie Fortune or working under direction of people like Gary Schoener or Menninger's Glen Gabbard. The tendency among clergy to whom I've talked is to try to be pop psychologists who quickly lump the majority of perpetrators into the category of "wanderer." [pmi:knows of at least one abuser who uses the title of wanderer-who has not Biblically repented, etc.] They do this based on the fact that they only KNOW of one victim. They do this before a specialist in the field of professional sexual misconduct has ever had opportunity to do an evaluation. They do this under the myth that if there were other cases, they would have somehow known about them, despite the secrecy.
Some have suggested a question to be posed to those encouraging pastors to "rehabilitate" and churches to "forgive and hire the rehabilitated" should be: "Would you trust this guy with your wife?"
The question I want them to ask is: "Would every woman in the congregation (or institution) to which this guy is going, knowing this man's history, be comfortable with him visiting her in her hospital room three hours after major surgery?" In cases where the victims have been male, the same question should be asked of the men. If one person answers "No," then we have a problem because that one woman cannot have the trusting relationship she deserves with her minister. It's as simple as that.
There is a lot of concern these days for pastors who have been terminated unfairly. This is a valid concern. We are living in a world permeated by "corporation thinking," and people in the church are often bringing their issues from the corporate world into the church and taking their unrealistic expectations and anger out on the pastor. To be certain, the church is not a very safe place for ministers, either -- especially those in autonomous congregations. I believe this fact is adding to the mix of confusion in the Southern Baptist Convention.
Yet, in cases of clergy-perpetrated abuse, we must be very clear that the abusers are not the sheep. Neither are we dealing with a problem of masses of wayward sheep, falsely-accusing shepherds. This is clearly a problem of False Shepherding.
Here is another example (edited to protect identies) of the cost of Clergy Sexual Abuse...this woman does not see God's Word but in order to hold on to the "special love" of her "pastor/brother" she self-wills her own theology while self-deceiving to her destruction and her non-believing husband's possible eternal damnation. This is very typical behavior and some grow in Christ and respond Biblically and others remain violently entangled. May God have mercy on them all as they continue to devour each other...
she begins...
Help,
I have had an "almost" problem with a dear friend who is a pastor. We were involved in ministry and became friends and were pure toward one another for quite a long time. Then one day he stepped over the line. I rejected his advances and tried to bring things back to pure friendship.
We did have a more platonic relationship because I did not want more. But I found that the original error on his part affected me and I needed him to apologize for us to go forward. I did not want to harm his ministry or hurt him. But when confronted he denied everything and even accused me. He did this to not loose his wife or ministry and I understood his weakness. I chose to forgive him even though he did not repent. He hid behind the church and his mistake was covered up by them and I became the "bad guy".
When I received counseling for my deep depression, I remembered our formerly good friendship, I saw that he did what he did (the betrayal) out of fear. He and I have suffered much for the last few years and much has happened, so much so that I do think he has learned a lesson. I certainly have learned much through suffering and am not the same person. He, I believe, has come to see how his actions hurt me, but has been warned by an unscrupulous leader in our church to not even dare to reconcile or he'll be out. I have had a great desire to reconcile and be totally restored to my brother who has had time to think things out and grow up a bit. My husband desires us to reconcile and has forgiven him. But how do I reconcile with him when the church is against any contact? I have left the church to avoid any scandal and because their hearts were against reconciling but I have had a constant burden from the Lord to make things right with my brother.
I have sent letters and e-mails, not in a harassing way but in a spirit of reconciliation and the unscrupulous person intercepted each of them before my brother can even read them. He is so afraid and I am so sad. I wish I had a go between who was not from the church to help us but I don't know many men and all of them I do know are from the church and afraid of the unscrupulous man. He has slandered me and told my brother that there is no need to reconcile and he controls my brother.
I am getting on with my life and even going to seminary to be a women's ministry pastor. My husband and I see this as a matter that still must be addressed and so do other Christians. How can I reach this dear brother who never crossed the line except for that one occasion and who was once a dear trusted friend?
Do you charge a great fee to help? Do we have to make everything public and involve that old church? Cannot he and I simply reconcile amongst ourselves and go on with our separate ministries, occasionally seeing each other in family type gatherings with both of our spouses and children? What if we were meant to have a limited ministry together that could be done in a public manner, no secret alone times? What if our spouse supports our getting back together and ministering? How can we reconcile and not further hurt each other?
Please tell me what you recommend and how you'd "break through" a cultic
situation. I miss my friend and my brother.
Bill Fields wrote:
Dear Eileen...I'm praying how to answer your questions...I'd like
your husband
to also be a part of this discussion...
We do not charge for our help...contributions are welcomed...
May the Father of Christ Jesus bless you through HIS Holy Spirit
Bill Fields
http://www.peacemakers.net
http://www.christiancourt.org
Dear Brother Bill,
Before we go any further I need to explain one thing. My husband is not yet saved. And he is not willing to participate in this at this time. This is why I feel the need for an advocate. If my husband were saved he would be my advocate and I would not need to go outside of the loop. I have had to deal with this basically on my own for all of this time.
The Lord has been with me and so I am not alone, but truly I have been
looking for a Christian to help. My husband is not adverse to this
and he would even send a small statement to verify this but as far as getting
involved he is not there at this time. He loves me and wishes to
see me happy but he of course does not want me to do anything out of line
with my brother and neither do I. I remember that we are all at times
weak and have faults and since God has forgiven me so much I know I must
forgive my brother. We think he has tried to contact me through calls
and not speaking (he was commanded not to speak) and my husband actually
feels sorry for the whole thing. The church should never have gotten
involved. That also is a long story. I did manage to go up
to him once
before I left and he began to cry and then someone from the leadership
came up behind us and he ran away. My heart hurts for all of the
pain we have caused each other. I hurt him by going to the "unscrupulous
brother" and he hurt me by being so afraid. I know that God can restore
even the worst offenses.
If you must have my husband involved then we probably cannot go further.
But I think if my husband saw some answer to my prayers he might be more
willing to come aboard. He thinks that God is not hearing me because
the answer has taken so long. He is letting me be more independent
of late and this is why I can even go to seminary. He is a good fellow,
but until he is saved his perspective is always going to be a bit off.
You may think mine is. But truly I am following the Lord in this.
Please do not see this as just another confused woman. I know God
is doing something special but not ordinary. My brother is very dear,
but made a mistake and has paid for it many times over, as I have.
Bill Fields wrote…
Dear Eileen...this is going to be tough to hear and I wish to say it
in all of God's love and gentleness-and with all of Christ's righteousness...if
you're accurate (only God knows the full truth) in what you believe has
happened and how you're responding to it then here's my response....
First there should be a Matthew 18 process to establish the facts, testimony and credibility of each participant...http://www.peacemakers.net/peace/apra.htm
Since we don't have the Matthew 18 results then I respond to what you've presented...
1. the Pastor sinned grievously against you and God and has NOT repented.
You should read...
http://www.peacemakers.net/clergysexualabuse/clergysexualabuse.htm
2. Those who protect the Pastor do so with the Pastor's approval and appreciation. You're blindness won't see this as true. [note:This is evidence Eileen continues in an unhealthy, unbiblical relationship by crediting the “Pastor” with good, spiritual motives/intent -without any works worthy of repentance from the “Pastor”.]
3. The Church should be involved-it sounds from your point they've not done it well.
4. Most likely you and the Pastor both crossed a line...through at least
spiritual sins of wrong heart/lusts etc. Read Helps Against Temptations
by Brooks
http://www.peacemakers.net/resources/fgb/fgbsp4-97.html
Also worth reading is the material by Randy Alcorn on the clergy sexual
abuse page...
http://www.peacemakers.net/clergysexualabuse/clergysexualabuse.htm
5. It's normal for a person in submission to develop strong feelings for those in “authority"-and the "Pastor" violated those intense feelings for his own gratification. This is a most serious break in trust!
6. You have an unbiblical view of forgiveness-Biblical repentance must
come first. You are still thinking and acting how the abused act-evidence
that the abuse still is alive.
Read Jay Adam's a Basis for Forgiveness
http://www.peacemakers.net/unity/abasisforforgiveness.htm
7. You should never be in any ministry with this “Pastor” ever or at
least for many many years after his repentance and his Biblical requalification
for the ministry.
Read Biblical Eldership by Strauch
http://www.peacemakers.net/resources/strauch/biblicaleldership.htm
8. You have a non-believing husband who knows your heart is still with
this man-but can't say it to you or doesn't trust his intuition.
Read How to Live with an Unbelieving Husband...
http://www.peacemakers.net/resources/adams/christianliving09.htm
9. As a woman, married to a non-believer your ministry opportunities are limited-you can not be a pastor. You are not above reproach. [note: Eileen appears attempting to re-establish a “correct/acceptable” relationship with this man through a “calling”, compounding the abuse.] Read Biblical Eldership by Strauch-see above
10. You continue in this wrong relationship by your "believing the best" from a heart still tied together and unwilling to call the "Pastor's" continued sin, self-deceit, and unrepentance for what it truly is-more abuse.
Eileen...if you're still reading this, you need to get some Biblical counseling and training to come to a correct view of sexual abuse by a "Pastor or Church Leader."
This must come as a shock to you and I truly wish it wasn't true what is happening to you but by use of God's Word Christ will turn evil to good for those who love HIM... you will find lots of material on our site to help.
You're in my prayers...and I wait for your next email...In Christ,
May the Father of Christ Jesus bless you through HIS Holy Spirit
Bill Fields
http://www.peacemakers.net
http://www.christiancourt.org
Dear Brother,
I can see how you see as you see. I will pray about all you said
and read all of the information. I also will talk this all over with
my new pastor and then I will get back to you. Sometimes it takes
me longer to change but when I do it is for real. Other times I guess
I need to believe what I've seen before the Lord on my own. But since
I believe in being easily intreatable I never want to close myself off
from what could be a word from
the Lord. Either way I see your loving heart and intention, as
a brother in the Lord and I am in unity with you and shall always be.
But give me time to consider these things before the Lord and with my pastor.
Your sister in Christ,
Eileen
P.S. There is one additional thing you should know. Before
I went to the Church I did approach my brother one on one, shortly after
the incident. He was trembling and said he was sorry if he hurt me
in anyway, but could not remember the incident. I was unhappy with
this type of response but took this feeble repentance as all he was capable
of. If we were able to speak face-to-face today I know both of us
would react differently. Have you ever been in a cult? In my
youth I was in one for 12years and I do know about mind control.
He is where I was most definitely. The brother who is counseling
him is a former cult leader and not totally out of that mind set, I fear.
I left partially because I could not let anyone control my mind again.
He has great power and influence at my old church, others can verify.
My husband said this morning he'd agree to having you help me if it was
according to certain conditions, which he'd spell out and send to you,
if
we decide to go through with this. So there are many possibilities.
Let's
stay before the Lord.
Thank you, Eileen
Bill Fields wrote:
Dear Eileen, I'm glad to hear you have a Pastor and will discuss this with him-this is as it should be-good job!...yes, have your Pastor and husband write me with their thoughts...we'll go from there-what are their names so I will recognize their emails...they should be copied in all our correspondence and communications-for your safety...
You asked about if I've been in a cult...you may find my answers different-I've been accused of being a cult leader because I do practice these same Biblical truths...(saying someone/organization is a cult without a Biblical process to determine the facts and nature is one way to persecute and slander-remember Christ was accused of being in with Satan) and I've helped families who have members in what has also been identified as a cult...as well as counseled those who have been in emotionally abusive relationships... that's why I have so much material on our peacemakers.net site about true faith vs. false faith...and that's why we have a Biblical process to review and investigate any such claims...
Eileen, you can see http://www.peacemakers.net/answers.htm if
you want to see what
some have charged and our answers
By God's grace and mercy you don't have to trust us...only trust God's word is alive and you and your pastor can use our materials to God's glory...
I'm glad to hear from you...I pray you've heard God's written Christ-Word empowered by God's Holy Spirit in your heart...
Bill Fields
http://www.peacemakers.net
http://www.christiancourt.org
Dear Brother Bill,
I did not get back to you because I believe we probably won't be able
to come to an agreement on how to go about the process of reconciliation
in this case. I think your ideas are fine and I read your website
and agree that in some cases the way you wish to proceed would work well.
I also see how you can think the things you do about my "love" for my brother. We all have choices and even if we have feelings that are not totally pure at times we can choose to dwell on them or even act on them. Or we can say even if I could do such and such I choose not to and I choose to be only a sister and friend. If circumstances were different maybe acting on those feelings (in marriage) would be fine. But I had feelings for many people in my life and I became excellent friends with them and all was honorable. God can reign in our emotions if we ask. Even on the job we may like our boss for a moment in an incorrect manner but by praying we can go on to have a good moral relationship. God is able to change feelings that "slip out of line". So I am not afraid to be his friend and hope to be it gain some day.
Lastly, my husband says its fine for me to reconcile but to leave him out of the process and you can choose to believe this or not, but he trusts me and I have never betrayed his trust. All is open before him as it is before God. But this is something I must do on my own or with help from an outside source.
And as far as the Church goes. I pray for each of them everyday,
but I will not ever put myself in any kind of subjection to them again.
I will not meet with them unless there is some kind of miracle and they
come in humility to me. Otherwise I forgive them and hope for the
best for them but I will not ever ever have any Church meeting again concerning
my brother and myself.
If my brother and I can not meet with out the church or any of their
representatives then I will not meet with him. This is not because
I am proud or unforgiving. It is because this is between me and my
brother. I only sought a possible third party outside the church
source as a means of connecting with him so he feels safe. He is
a timid man. I wish he were bold, but my husband says he would be
bold so I guess I have the best fellow. I know I do. But we
don't have to marry our friends so we don't have to have perfect ones.
(Even husbands are not always perfect.) But I love my friend in a
special way and the Church has nothing to do with it. We need to
be right between ourselves. I am in a very good church which also
wishes we would reconcile but will not get involved in another church's
business. I am under the leadership of my new church but they are
not legalistic and authoritarian. I respect them because they are
godly and not because I am supposed to. But I don't want to involve
them either.
So you see brother you will obviously take this message as proof that I am too proud to submit to your thinking or to a corrupt church or that I am somehow against my husband. But truly I am not. If you knew how daily I wept before the throne of God for all of this, for my brother, for the old church, and for my broken heart, you'd know I am not being proud but I must do one what God and some godly Christians have said and two I must not let myself be hurt again by ungodly men. I'm not saying you are ungodly. I admire you and I hope when I finish seminary to be involved in a work that does not compete with yours but has the same ultimate goal.
So if you wish to help me without involving the Church or my husband
and just going simply to my brother with me. I am all for it.
But otherwise I must wish blessing on you and your work and keep praying
that God will do a miracle. I am glad you serving Him so faithfully
and have me on your heart. If I am wrong in this pray God shows me.
Love in Christ, Eileen
Index of articles about clergy sexual abuse
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